Any Dream Won’t Do

If there is one thing I would love to change about myself is that I would like to stop dreaming.

To clarify, I don’t mean aspirations for improvement I mean the middle of the night sleeping kind.

The problem is whereas everyone else I feel like everyone else dreams like riding on top of a whale or meeting somebody famous or doing something courageous. Or else terrifying dreams of fighting or flying or falling…

Many people don’t remember their dreams but I remember mine every night because they are always so boring. I don’t know what it says about me, perhaps I lack imagination but I have been afflicted by dull dreams for years. Recent examples include;

  • Trying to load a new printer cartridge
  • Finding the right change in a shop
  • Choosing a new brand of toilet cleaner
  • Checking the clock to see I have hours of sleep left
  • Filing an expenses form
  • Ironing (I mean really, who dreams about ironing?)

Then when I do wake up, I wake up annoyed that, once again, my brain has failed to be more creative. I hear some people wake up angry, some wake up crying, some wake up laughing. I just wake up bored.

It all goes to show Andrew Lloyd Webber is wrong. Any dream won’t do.

Not so Dyer

“I know today’s been strange, everyone asking you things, I’ve got some good news, well you know all those doctors asking you questions, they told us you’ve got a special power, and there is a special word for it, autism”

This is a quote from an episode of EastEnders broadcast on Thursday 14th November which I must have watched that clip at least a dozen times.

It was a Dad talking to his child about a something that I never recall being discussed in such a mainstream way. During the last few years people with autism have replaced ‘dangerous loner’ as the new boogieman and it being described as having a ‘superpower’ to the millions of soap viewers feels like a watershed moment. I can’t imagine how different my life would have been if this had happened twenty years ago and somebody described me as having a superpower.

               As an autistic man in his late 30s, I am not sure how much I can relate to the term ‘superpower’ but have heard it used before and can understand how for kids must be amazing.

               The National Autistic Society writes

  • ‘Autistic people have a unique and individual view of the world which lots of people who aren’t autistic can find interesting, refreshing and valuable’
  • ‘Autistic people have distinctive vision and are able to notice detail others would miss. They also have a strong drive towards finding explanations’
  • ‘Autistic people are likely to better remember information, routine or processes that they have learned’

Perhaps these things could be considered superpowers, I am often complimented on my research and organisation, and I think these might be more useful in the real world than some powers the heroes Marvel invent.

I really hope this is the start of a campaign of understanding that autism doesn’t have to be a negative and that people like me can not only contribute to society but enhance it.

Off Menu

It is very normal for people to try and change the menu, wanting to switch one thing for another, having less of this/more of that or sending stuff back when they forget to mention their various intolerances…

So it was just another day when a lady in her 30s asked about vegetarian versions of the Sunday roast.

The patient waiter explained that although they could do a nut roast, due to the way the potatoes are roasted and the stock in the gravy it wouldn’t be truly vegetarian…

The guest thinks for a bit, her tablemates place their orders, then she ordered the pork.

Just another day.

The Pre-Show Presentation

Before the film, my local cinema show a variety of slides advertising local businesses in what could be a PowerPoint presentation. This is quickly turning into my favourite bit of my cinema trip. Last time I brought a pen & paper to the screening so I would remember the gems featured which included…

  • Standard Bathroom Design
  • Monday Night Quiz
  • Wood Burners
  • MOTs
  • East Anglian Art
  • Holiday Lets
  • Local Lobster
  • Septic Tanks
  • Medical Diagnosis
  • House Coal
  • A Maze
  • Low Cost Self Storage

I wonder where else we see a five minute rotating presentation of such differing topics, none of which were relevant to the film, also how many people are actually looking for mazes, wood burners or septic tanks? I don’t believe such a wide selection of unconnected products have been featured together since the final round of the Generation Game.

It got me thinking, has there been a development in the world of bathroom design that made this company specify they do ‘standard bathroom design’? What non-standard requests have they had? The mind boggles.

Often I enjoy this pre-show presentation more than the main feature and feel sorry for the people that come in late and miss it although whether that says more about me or the quality of the films is unclear. Either way, I will continue my cinema visits and be in my seat in good time for the foreseeable future.

Notes From A Small Train

This week I was ‘lucky’ enough to spend twelve hours on trains as work sent me from one obscure part of the country to another. Many things occurred to me on the way…

  • How come almost every seat is reserved by people who are not on the train? Are there vast numbers of people who forget they had tickets? Is it a weird contest ‘my train is more popular than your train’? Have a lot of ghosts got tickets? Yet no matter what seat I choose, somebody will turn up with that reservation about 20 mins after departure and demand to sit there rather than in one of the many other empty seats. This reservation roulette makes the journey very tense.
  • We had an announcement on the train saying that if we see anything suspicious at Derby station we are to call British Transport Police. Why particularly Derby? Surely if we see anything suspicious anywhere, we should call or think ‘its not Derby so it doesn’t matter’?
  • It often isn’t necessary to have a guard on board but there is no chance of travelling without the £5 sandwiches. Also why is tea & coffee being sold if there is no hot water available?
  • Why is it so many people are ok to block the aisle with their suitcases, making everyone wait while they fish several things out of their bags? It is like watching those classic slapstick films to see if they are going to reach a ironing board, live rabbits or step ladder from their bags while we all wait for them to move.
  • Nottingham station has a sign saying ‘Welcome to Nottingham, home to the University of Nottingham’. I wonder what this says about the admissions policy that they need to spell out this out.

Still, its more interesting than sitting at home.

Better For Greta

The internet tells me of many people in the public eye who may have been autistic

  • Isaac Newton
  • Stanley Kubrick
  • Steve Jobs
  • Albert Einstein

However, this week we have all been following the adventures of another autistic person, Greta Thunberg.

To be clear, I have no connection with Greta, or anyone in her circle but I have been struck by the vitriol of the commentary around her recent speeches.

This morning Michael Knowles, a journalist from US website ‘Daily Wire’ during a live TV appearance, described Ms Thunberg as a ‘mentally ill Swedish child’. A couple of weeks ago Australian newspaper Herald Sun columnist Andrew Bolt wrote she was ‘deeply disturbed’.

Regardless of the opinions of the lady involved, it strikes me, as a fellow autistic person that Greta’s views are being undermined by people who misunderstand her ‘condition’.

According to an article in the Guardian ‘She said she had not been open about her diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum in order to “hide” behind it, but because she knew “many ignorant people still see it as an ‘illness’, or something negative. When haters go after your looks and differences, it means they have nowhere left to go. And then you know you’re winning!” she wrote, using the hashtag #aspiepower.’

One in 69 people are estimated to be on the autistic spectrum yet often we are looked on as mad or dangerous. According to the National Autistic Society, autism is a ‘lifelong, developmental disability that affects how a person communicates with and relates to other people, and how they experience the world around them’.

Something I have seen a few times in the commentary around Thunberg is that people must be taking advantage of her or she is being manipulated. As I am unable to speak for any autistic person other than myself but having spent a lot of time researching since my diagnosis, it seems clear that autistic people are very hard to manipulate. We see things as either black or white, we don’t notice the emotions of others and are very good at research. We form firm opinions and stick to them. We don’t take directions easily, we do what we want to do.

Going back to the National Autistic Society ‘Many autistic people have intense and highly-focused interests, often from a fairly young age. These can change over time or be lifelong. It can be art, music, trains, computers, car registration numbers, bus or train timetables, postcodes, table tennis, traffic lights, numbers, shapes or body parts such as feet or elbows. For many younger children it’s Thomas the Tank Engine, dinosaurs or particular cartoon characters. Autistic people might also become attached to objects (or parts of objects), such as toys, figurines or model cars – or more unusual objects like milk bottle tops, stones or shoes. An interest in collecting is also quite common’

It may well be that for Greta Thunberg, her ‘highly focused interest’ is the environment. She has probably spent huge amounts of time researching the topic and, as such, is very capable of presenting her research.

Personally, I have no problem with people disagreeing with her points or not liking her cause but to make out that Greta is not in control because she is autistic is a fundamental misunderstanding of what autism is.

We are now 10 years after the implementation of the autism act and a recent review found there is ‘not enough understanding, not enough services, not enough progress’. I couldn’t agree more.

E – Fail

I have heard many stories from others about incidents that happened years ago and keep them awake at night… Well here is mine.

There are many things that are bad to say to your boss

  • That you know more than them
  • That they are overpaid
  • That they remind you of somebody awful
  • That you think they smell/dress badly

It is much worse when you tell them by accident…

So how about saying you think their finance is too good for them and the marriage will never last?

How about putting this in writing on the day the engagement was announced? What about texting it to them by mistake? How about them standing in front of you at the exact moment the text message received and read aloud?

Its no wonder I didn’t last there…

PS: as it happens that engagement was broken off within a couple of months, although I doubt this was anything to do with my ill-advised message.

Not Zumbalicious

Of all the things I have been unsuitable for becoming a Zumba instructor is surly very high on the list.

  • I have no interest in keeping fit
  • I can’t dance
  • I really can’t tell the difference between types of music
  • I don’t remember choreography

Yet despite all this I became certified. The night before my boss called while I was in the bar

“Are you working tomorrow”

“No, I don’t start till the evening”

“Do you fancy becoming a Zumba instructor”

“Sure, why not, what is it?”

“A bit like line dancing only less yee-ha”

The next morning I turned up and despite being dreadful, became certified against my will. Work was paying so I felt I better not say anything and within a week I was teaching my first class.

‘The music needs to be 70% international’ I was told, yet I really don’t know what counts as international…

My first class (and most of my subsequent classes) consisted of identical clapping/kicking routines as I couldn’t ever remember the routines. I took to having notes on the floor but that was no good when I had to keep stopping at looking at them.

After a couple of years of this ongoing chaos, I ended up being deposed in Los Angeles when somebody broke their wrist and I didn’t even notice. No doubt I was too busy wondering whether to kick or clap or kick and clap.

Yet all this time, work wanted me to do more and more classes. Each month I got another DVD with more routines that I couldn’t do or remember, the guests used to ask if it was ok if they led the classes instead (an offer I always accepted).

In the end I accepted promotion into a position where I was no longer able to do Zumba anymore…

That must have been about eight years ago, I haven’t done any exercise since.

The Newly Weds

As I work with people, I meet a wide variety of customers.

Some are happy, some are not

There was the man who told me ‘I don’t like comedy so I would appreciate it if you don’t tell any jokes’

Then the two women who asked me to help them discover if they had met before in a previous life.

This week however we had a pair of newly weds, a couple in their late 30s who were spending their honeymoon with us. They were not shy about telling people they were just married and enjoyed showing off their photos on a phone.

After a couple of drinks though the revelations flowed…

  • He had previously proposed to her sister
  • She would like him to take a job abroad (she would stay at home)
  • There is still no decision about what the surname will be
  • They would like a child but only if it was quiet
  • Their first date was at a branch of Kwik Fit

All of these things were broadcast in loud voices to other guests who were trying to get on with their dinners… I just carried on with the bingo…

Apparently they had such a good time, they will be coming back later in the year and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Joseph and his Amazing Accidental Premier

I have spent most of this week in London. On telling a colleague my plans I got the advice ‘London are you sure? People who go to London get stabbed’. Plot spoiler – I didn’t get stabbed.

However there was an incident.

On my last night in the city, I decided a night at a West End show would be a lovely way to spend a couple of hours. The show I chose was Joseph which I have good memories of seeing as a child.

To be clear, the main reason was that it started at 7pm (whereas everything else was 7:30pm or later). I figured by finishing earlier, there would be fewer loud/drunk people around on the streets when I was getting back.

What I completely failed to realise was this was earlier because it was the premier. There were photographers outside and a red carpet. I was still wearing the same t-shirt & jeans I had been wearing all day. Everyone else was in ties & jackets.

So here was me walking down the red carpet as photographers and autograph hunters look past me and a usher rushes over ‘Excuse me, have you got a ticket for tonight?’

He seemed surprized that I did. I guess they don’t get a lot of people on a red carpet carrying a bag of shopping.

The theatre was packed and noisy – two things I really don’t like. So I headed to the bar. Two double G&Ts were quickly ordered to steady my nerves.

On getting to my seat there was a conversation behind me about what famous people had been spotted. Vanessa Feltz, Claire Sweeney, Christopher Biggins, Gary Wilmot, Rhydian and Amanda Holden were all apparently here.

Part way through the first half it occurred to me that I was possibly not smelling my freshest which added to my sense of unease. So back to the bar at the interval.

I took my next G&T back to my seat as ‘theatrical’ people used loud voices to tell each other how brilliant they thought the other was.

Then I saw Beverley Knight, who is one of the few people I would describe myself as a fan of, I was slightly overwhelmed at this point and then I noticed the man she was talking to was Andrew Lloyd Webber.

This was the point when it all got too much and I managed to drop the drink down my front and the cup somehow ended up in the expensive looking handbag of the woman next to me, who miraculously didn’t notice.

I didn’t stay for the second half and headed for the underground smelling of sweat and gin.

Perhaps celebrity filled premiers are not for me.