Autistic Edinburgh

Disabled. I was given a concession ticket for a disabled person. Why?

I have been visiting the Edinburgh Festival for years, I blogged about my experience last year which featured me getting overwhelmed and twisting my hip. It was also at Edinburgh I first decided to get a sunflower lanyard.

1 in 6 people globally are classed as disabled. Many disabilities are fairly apparent but sunflower lanyards are designed to be worn by people with less obvious needs who may require extra time or help in shops, on busses or just on the street.

I always fought the idea of buying one of these, I didn’t like the idea of wearing a symbol and I also don’t like thinking about my autism as a disability. I believe the clear thinking it gives me along with the ability to focus and research is really great and not in any way negative. However, it is also true that I have found interactions in busy environments such as large railway stations much easier while wearing it, people just seem kinder and more patient.

So it was in this context that I went to see a comedian called Joe Wells. He was performing a free show and I had an hour to fill. Joe is an autistic adult, and his show was about autistic life and really made me think about myself.

One piece of the puzzle that fell into place for me was about US TV show The Big Bang Theory. There was a phase about 10-15 years ago where I was regularly told I was like the character Sheldon. On a couple of occasions, I looked up photos of the actor playing him, and I guess there is a slight similarity between us, we have similar pointy jaws although our hair and eyes are different. It surprized me quite how often I was told about him, once even being stopped by a stranger who wanted to tell me about Sheldon. Joe Wells explained that although it was never explicitly stated, Sheldon was autistic.

It hit me that all that time, people were not telling me I looked like Sheldon, but I acted like him. I acted like I was autistic, years before it ever occurred to me, let alone got diagnosed. I suppose I should make an effort to look up an episode or two but to be honest, it is highly unlikely I will ever get round to it.

That night, me and my sunflower lanyard went to see a review of Burt Bacharach songs. The place was packed with people and a kindly steward noticed me and found me a quiet chair to sit on. I love the music of Bacharach and although I was probably not the target audience, I was looking forward to a lovely hour of Alfie and Walk On By. What I actually got was something so loud it would have overpowered a jumbo jet. The show was deafening and I had to leave after the second song and listen to the rest of the performance sitting on the floor of an emergency escape.

Empowered by the words of Joe Wells, I decided to get myself some ear defenders. I see many people walking with very large headphones, and these don’t look too different. So off to Screwfix I went. I had no idea how much these would cost and was pleasantly surprised to find that they were only £3.99. I am sure that most people going to Screwfix for ear defenders are construction workers who need them to dig up concreate rather than festival goers who want to drown out Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head but the shop assistant didn’t seem to mind.

The ear defenders were great, I couldn’t believe how much more pleasant Edinburgh was when I couldn’t hear the traffic, drilling, alarms sounding, dogs barking, drunk people shouting, bagpipes (so many bagpipes) or loud music from street entertainers.

So it was in this context that I went to the box office of another show that night with my sunflower lanyard and ear defenders only to get a ticket marked disabled. Not wanting to make a fuss or hold up the queue, I didn’t question it but did spend most of the show thinking about it (to the extent I can’t even remember what the show was).

Is autism a disability? Does that mean I am disabled? Clearly people have thought of me as autistic/disabled for years… Perhaps my ear defenders make me look more disabled too…

As I write this days later, it occurs to me that none of it actually matters. Who cares what category I fall into? To quote a song “It’s my life that I want to have a little pride in, my life and it’s not a place I have to hide in, life’s not worth a damn till you can shout out, I am what I am”

Although maybe don’t shout out, just speaking at a normal volume will be fine.