My Umbrella & I

               Along with salmon dinners and smart speakers one thing I have learned to love in 2023 is the umbrella. I am probably the last person in the country to discover the joys of the umbrella, but I finally gave in to its charms.

               My anti-umbrella prejudice was based on many things. Wet brollies are a pain, what to do with them when it stops raining? Just carrying around wet canvas products never seemed appealing. Their careless owners always seemed to bash them into walls, tree branches and other pedestrians, I have been the victim of many hit and run attacks featuring other people’s umbrellas.

               The major problem I had was the wind. I always felt like the wind was the enemy of the umbrella. There must be some statistic along the lines of ‘every 0.4 seconds an umbrella is flipped inside out on the streets of Great Britain’. Weirdly, brolly-based stats are rarely featured on the news. I felt like any gentle breeze greater than a desk fan would have broken it irreparably and then the wet canvass would not only need carrying but carrying to the bin. Then if the wind was stronger than a gentle breeze I would be fighting not to be carried away like Mary Poppins and deposited in a nearby tree.

               It was a slow process. I got my first umbrella in a closing down sale due to its discounted price, I meant to find somebody who would enjoy it as a gift but instead I just put it in my bag. Although my bag is small, it holds a remarkable amount of stuff and the danger of putting things in the bag is that they never come out again. Not long ago I found a doughnut in there from Harrogate (a place I visited four months ago). I have no idea what is in the bottom of the bag and can’t rule out the possibility of having ironing boards and step ladders in there like an 80s sketch show.

               One night I was on my way to the supermarket in my big coat when the equivalent of the entire Atlantic Ocean fell in about 30 seconds. My coat leaked, my shoes became waterlogged and my usual tactic of hiding under a tree was useless. I could have leapt in a lake and been drier. I was searching for in my bag for something and then I noticed that umbrella. Feeling reckless I took it out and undid the Velcro fastener. Challenge one was how to put it up. I was looking for some kind of button, why were there no instructions? Then when the runner slid up the shaft, I was convinced I had broken it. ‘Stupid umbrellas, I knew they just go straight in the bin’ I thought.

               But no. The canopy rose and immediately fell again. I must have looked like an alien from another world baffled by brollies. After a few attempts I discovered the spring in the top and the umbrella stayed up. The feeling of pride I felt in myself was immeasurable but by then, it was much too late to have made any real difference and cars continued to splash me with nearby puddles.

               This was no one off fluke, over the next few weeks I managed to successfully operate an umbrella on several more occasions. Then one day it blew inside out. Although I knew that day was coming, it didn’t make it easier, and I went disappointedly to find a bin on the high street. The next thing that happened blew my tiny mind. A passerby simply pushed their inside out brolly back into the correct position and carried on using it. I couldn’t believe it. So, I gave it a try and it worked! This might have been the most exciting thing to happen to me in decades.

               Over the next couple of months, I assembled a collection of umbrellas, having frequently forgotten to take one out with me (they are all drying on the doorstep). Perhaps it is wasteful but at £5 a time, an umbrella collection doesn’t seem such a bad thing in comparison to the money spent on smoking 40 a day. I also liked the sound of the rain on the canopy, although how to hold the umbrella, torch and shopping bag is still a work in progress. Maybe I could get one of those umbrella hats.

               So, what I have learned is that it is never too late to try new things, sometimes the hype is real. Perhaps this year I will give shower gel a try…