Disfunction Rooms

Alongside all its bedrooms, bars and restaurants, the posh hotel has several function rooms. I have blogged before about the various birthdays, weddings and funerals that are hosted but another large group of bookings are from companies.

Some of them are regular customers, they book a room once a week as they don’t have their own office and use the posh hotel as it has car parking, internet access and coffee. Others use the function rooms for conferences or corporate parties. Here are a couple of recent highlights…

An obviously fake picture, nobody looks this happy in business meetings

A strategy meeting regarding a supermarket’s in store radio service. Apparently, every branch in the country tunes in while a DJ plays music and announces the specials to shoppers who won’t be paying attention. One of the talking points was regarding if there should be a ‘listen again’ feature on the website so shoppers can hear the DJ announce the chance to save 10p on tea bags over and over again. One of my colleagues was asked her opinion on this, some ‘real world’ feedback, she said she didn’t care.

An awards ceremony for a riding school. A van turned up with 92 trophies to be distributed. It took six of us to get them all up the stairs. It transpired that there were only 48 attendees making this a very tedious occasion which lasted much longer than the attention span of those present.

A trade event for people interested in petrol station forecourts. There was a life-size model of a petrol pump, a demonstration of jet washers in the car park, somebody selling display cases for vape liquids, a presentation regarding new technology in coffee machines and no mention at all about the fuel price crisis. As far as I could work out, nobody at all, other than the vendors, came to this event. Apparently, the lure of a model petrol pump was not enough to tempt the public into attending. In fact, this event was such a failure that an entire pallet of marketing material ended up in the skip. Not great for an industry trying to prove its eco-friendly credentials…

A room of doom…

A flying demonstration from a bird of prey centre. This was supposed to be outside, but the weather was too poor, so it was moved indoors. The room is quite large and has a high ceiling so was deemed suitable. The problem here was that David (a barn owl) seemed to be suffering with digestive problems and ‘soiled’ the carpet multiple times. I asked the handler about this and was informed it was an ongoing issue and last week he was booked to attend a wedding and made a ‘deposit’ on a bridesmaid.

In the diary next week, we have cheese makers, Grand National enthusiasts and nuclear waste specialists. Thankfully these are all on different days. A race horse eating cheese infused with nuclear waste is not a scenario any of us need.

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